Well finally today i finally feel physically and mentally fit enough to put a few words down on to paper about my dear old Mum.
My wonderful mum lost her 28 year fight against ovarian cancer on the 4th of august this year and to be honest i'm surprised to even be here to put these words down.
To say i took it badly is an understatement,mum passed away in the rowans hospice with myself and my ever faithful fiancee claire by her bedside,and i held her hand whilst she drew her last breath,a sight that will remain with me for eternity.
The rowans hospice were absolutely amazing and very caring right till the end,and i couldn't of asked more for mum.
This is very hard to put down and as i do i have a tear in my eye ,but i hope anyone who reads it may get some benefit from it.
I realized the following day just how much Mums death had affected me whilst sat in the bath as i tried to take my own life,I am not proud of this but i couldnt see a way forward without my Mum figuring in my life in someway,i suppose i just wanted to be back with both my parents, all together again as it were but it wasnt the answer looking back on it now.
I was laid in the bath with a razor blade sobbing and i think that if my claire had not heard my sobs i would not be here,claire truly is my rock,and no man could ask for more.it was then in that brief instant when claire hugged me that I realized suicide wasn't the answer,I have 3 wonderful sons and a loving family that i love very much and it pains me even now to think that i could throw that love away due to a very selfish act,dont get me wrong i would have done it but some times you need to look at what you have got and not what you have lost.
After this i seemed to spiral into some sort of mild depression,or at least i think so as i havent had depression before,and it was all i could do to get out of bed and go to work everyday,especially whilst crying inside,some times grief can hit you like a train,right out of nowhere and smash your emotions to pieces even at work and I was struggling to keep it together and carry on as normal as I could,I find visiting mum's grave very hard as I am so happy to go and talk to her but it hurts so very much to say goodbye every time. I am taking it day by day now and today i seemed to find some clarity in this messed up head of mine.a small patch of blue in a very cloudy sky.
These troubled times have definitely showed me who my true friends are and i cant thank them enough for being there for me.I think long term i may need some bereavement counselling or even a psychiatrist but all i can say is this,if your ever in this position yourselves please talk to someone,anyone,and seek advice,don't take the easy way out ,it does get easier as time goes on.
If any one needs a shoulder then they can message me on blogger or through Facebook on my page parttimeangler and i will message you back and try to help you through any tough times.it doesnt matter if i dont know you sometimes its easier to talk to a stranger and open up.
I am now looking forward to some new challenges at work and i will hopefully get bank side in the new year, I'm also aiming to shift a few pounds as i'm marrying my lovely claire in september next year.We have got some good things going on next year and although mum wont be here to share in them she will hopefully enjoy watching from above.
I can honestly say that putting this down on paper has helped massively,like a weird form of closure almost, im going to enjoy Christmas as best i can this year with closest family and my stepdad Micheal ,It wont be the same without mum but she would of wanted us to enjoy it as usual,please remember its okay not to be okay,just ask some one for help.anyone.
Merry Christmas to all,don't forget to raise a glass for those that have lost the fight but also take the time to look around you and feel blessed with those that are still here..
ALL THE BEST FOR 2019. HOPE TO SEE YOU ON THE BANK SOMETIME. XX
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